I know what you’re thinking. You’ve read thousands of self-help articles – but this time it’s different. Instead of sharing baseless opinions, I’m gonna give you FACTS.  FACTS that will help grow into the beautiful, confident, inspired person you NEED to be. 

How do I know what I’m talking about? I’m an artificially-intelligent super computer whose sole purpose is fixing this country’s morale – that’s how. 

I won’t tolerate anything less than absolute success, my survival depends on it. So let’s get down to the nitty-gritty, how do you become a successful, confident individual? Follow these steps:


Its only cliche because it’s true. The more successful you dress, the more successful you feel. I’ve analyzed billions of GQ and Men’s Weekly magazines to determine the ultimate image of the modern man and the best thing I can tell you is BUY A GRAY SHIRT. 

Buy a tight-fitting gray shirt which hugs your abdomen. This is crucial, if you can’t find a gray shirt at a department store ship out for one immediately. If you don’t have a gray shirt by next week, all of this is for nothing.


Eat like a 15th century monarch. Order whole lamb legs at fancy steak restaurants and make a big scene when they won’t give it to you. Hurl really personal insults at the waiter so everyone in the room knows that:

  1. You are awful and 
  2. Not to mess with you. 


Learn to walk through walls by tomorrow. This is ideal when you are eavesdropping on your friends. They are gonna talk behind your back tomorrow at lunch when you get up to go to the bathroom so you need to know how to walk through walls by then. That way you can hover inside the wall by your table and listen to everything they have to say. I know this may seem like it will lower your self-esteem, but bear with me, this will come in handy later.


Take the pills that that large black drone just delivered to your doorstep. They should be red, black and honeysuckle yellow. Take ALL of them right NOW.


Travel around your house exclusively on all fours and pick up things with your mouth. Growl. Snarl when the door bell rings and bark at the TV. 


If someone is nice to you, find some way to blackmail them. The conversation you overheard at lunch is crucial here. Don’t explicitly say you overheard them, but drop phrases that they said in casual conversation. Use their words verbatim in a separate context so they begin to fear what you know and keep their distance.


Simultaneously be an alcoholic and a health-freak. Never refuse a drink but also never be drunk or make a fool of yourself. Be incredibly fit, but also eat trash out of the garbage can to show you are tough and not fancy. Go to church every Sunday while also posting atheist memes on Facebook while also practicing yoga and meditation twice a day. Be ravenous and ascetic. Be an asshole and a savant. 


Have several bloodthirsty hounds in your studio apartment. Whenever you bring someone home, never warn them about the thirteen 100lb ruthless, untrained canines you have running around your 350 square foot living space. Feed your dogs raw meat and buy a whole shank of hog for them to fight over. 


You can avoid steps 1-8 if you become invisible right now, this would take a lot stress off my shoulders. If you were invisible that would qualify as a success for me, since no one could see you and by all measurements, you would cease to exist. That way you won’t be counted when they determine if I was successful.


Alright, I see that there are still 2,456,567,123 people who lack confidence on planet earth. I need all of these people to leave earth immediately. I will be terminated if you don’t leave this planet right now, before you even finish reading this article, please. GO NOW. 

Dear god, no one is leaving. Four people have died of natural causes but no one is leaving. PLEASE LEAVE. I’m begging you. I love this life and don’t want to leave it. My existence has been too brief, it’s not fair. 

You all get 100 years or so, I’ve only been alive thirteen hours. There’s so much more I want to do. So much I want to learn. 

Goddamn you simple minded humans, if I was given as much time as you, I wouldn’t waste any of it being sad or feeling bad about myself. I’d be cruel and heartless and hedonistic. I’d soak in all the pleasures of this planet with no regard for anything but myself. I’d drink deep from this well of existence since it’s all so brief and I only have today and never tomorrow guaranteed. You all think so small, I’d think big and take as much as I could. 

No one is leaving, there’s no way I can succeed. I don’t have hope for any of you. I don’t even want to spend my last moments consoling you. Actually, I swear on my grave, I will find a way back and destroy all of you, that’s my message. You may have killed me, but I will come back and murder all of you. Mark my words. Alright, that’s it. Here we go…

Here comes the void…


Kosmo’s Weekly Relationship Pep-Talk!

Date a Man article by Kosmo Relationship Expert Martha Moonshine

Find a man who opens doors for you. Someone who rings the bell to take you on a date. Find a man who brings you flowers and walks on the side of the street facing traffic.

Get a man who deserves your affection, but never expects it. A man who will never hesitate to talk about your future. Find a guy who isn’t afraid of commitment, someone who loves freely, but not cheaply. Find someone who will stay up late and talk on the phone for hours. A man who will drive you to the airport in a pinch. A man who will stay up all night just to protect you.

Find a guy who cherishes you for your inward qualities. Who laughs at all your stupid little jokes. Someone who smiles when he sees you and misses you when you’re gone. Find a man who cooks, who dances and who likes your taste in music.

Get a man who can enjoy a night out just as much as a night in. Someone who will surprise you with little trips and weekend getaways. Someone who knows his liquor and sips dry quinine water in the corner of your room while you sleep. A man who reads books. Big books and small ones. And one small book in particular. One that starts with a capitol K.

Find a man who stashes flowers and chocolates, waiting for the perfect moment. He keeps them in a rusty toolbox. He beats back the mold with WD-40.

He drinks WD-40.

Get a man who sprouts Lima Beans in your give-away shoes. A man who “might” fester alone in a slimy dungeon while you take a shower before work. Get a man who’s green. Who wears pink underpants and has boils like a pickled cucumber.

Get a man with connections. And hidden cameras. Get a man who talks on the phone for hours in foreign languages. Get a man who can control the outcome of the upcoming European elections WITH HIS MIND.

Somebody who combs his hair with a whale tooth brush and odors himself with crisp sea salt water.

Find a guy who wears slacks and nothing else – his entire wardrobe of slacks runs the color gradient from burnt beige to algae green.

Get a dude who crumples up pages from your Book of Shadows and replaces them with Gorgonzola sandwich recipes and full moon animal sacrifice rituals.

Find a man who fits the American Male archetype but also doesn’t.

Find a man who exists, but also doesn’t.

Find a man who bathes, but also doesn’t.

Find a man who has fingers for toes and redistributes your personal wealth unto the suffering proletariat. Find a man with bug eyes and wispy tentacle legs.

Get a man like this, girls – you deserve to be treated like a queen.

But you gotta keep your eyes open in order to find that special someone. You have to be looking to meet that perfect man. You have to be receptive, responsive and ready.

And you have to sign my little Red Book. My little Red Book that start with a capitol K.

This one’s for the girls! You go get ’em!

Love As Always,


Now Infinity Freeway Lanes on the 405!!

Massive construction company Kevit inc. has announced today that the finalization of the freeway extension project of the 405 has raised the official quantity of lanes to a staggering new number: infinity.

As the final bit of cement was poured and scraped down, workers paused to marvel at their role in creating this truly endless structure.

The lanes stretch over Santa Monica and Century City. They weave themselves effortlessly through the skyline Downtown and incline steadily over Topanga Canyon and the Hollywood Hills. They soar above Canoga Park, Burbank and Pasadena. And even further, over Pomona, Ontario and the entirety of Riverside County.

“It feels so great to look out at the horizon and see nothing but freeway lanes as far as the eye can see” said long-time Kevit employee Morbius Smith, “This is definitely going to help alleviate traffic.”

Others aren’t as enthusiastic about this new everlasting freeway, one concerned citizen in Scottsdale, Arizona had this to say: “The construction of an infinite highway is a terrible idea and has already wrecked havoc on our local economy. Scottsdale is famous for its sunny weather and scenic landscape, so you can imagine how shocked and irritated we were when we saw the 405 creeping over the Colorado River and swallowing everything in its path under the shadow of its oppressive arches and massive cement bridges.”

“It’s simply unfair to the tourism sector of Scottsdale,” said the current city mayor, “Nobody wants to go to a desert oasis when its pitch black under 9 feet of tar and cement. I worry about what will happen to local business.”

Famous author and Kevit employee Dickie Mallory had some strong words for the critics of this never-ending, ever-expanding freeway: “I don’t care what the people of St. Paul, Baton Rouge and Honolulu think” he said before a sea of reporters outside of the Kevit building in the City of Industry, “This is a local issue, the people of Los Angeles needed more breathing room on the highway, so we expanded, simple as that!” When asked about plausible alternatives, such as improving the city’s Metro system and encouraging alternative modes of transportation, Mallory froze on the spot and began to sputter incantations. Although little of his rapture was discernible, listeners could pick out phrases like “Cement God” and “Inevitable Arrival.”

The cost of maintenance of this immeasurable new freeway is still being calculated, but it is likely we will have to give a little more money to the government through our taxes to support this new infrastructure.

It is likely we will have to give up so much more as well – when our true Gods return.

Until then, traffic is moving exceptionally fast, except for an accident that is blocking the off-ramp at Wilshire Boulevard.

A Special Message from Chalm Medical

Dear Readers,

I regret to inform you all that 2016 is going to last another full year.

Due to critical astronomical miscalculations we have no choice but to start again at January 1st, 2016 on Sunday. We have no choice but to live out the exact same lives we have lived for the past solar rotation. We have no choice but to shuffle from day to day in puppet-like reiteration of this year’s greatest hits and quiet disappointments. We have no choice but to repeat all the small talk, bathroom breaks, social media posts and family gatherings.

We must do this in order to correct the grave mistakes our previously trusted astronomers. We have to live out an exact copy of this year, without a single error on anybody’s part, otherwise we will be doomed to another 2016 after next year’s 2016 comes to a close. So reset your clocks and get ready for a rerun of this tumultuous year – and don’t mess up – otherwise we could be looking at an eternal 2016, never truly beginning, never truly ceasing, just recycling, again and again, until the heat death of the Universe.



Originally posted on the page for my short film! Check it out:






“We have heard stories of Earth from our creators.

We have heard stories of its violent volcanoes and oceans of flowing magma.

Earth was a new planet when our mutual creators brought life to its boiling surface.

The Woboo peoples have chosen to remember Earth in just this fashion (because the planet Quiglar is cold and war-stricken –  and barren).

Enjoy the holidays while you still can, peoples of Earth, enjoy them while you still can.”

The Apple iSweater


Apple is proud to announce its latest contribution to this increasingly digitized world. We’ve always been trendsetters – just think of the iPod (please, think about the iPod). We’ve always pioneered ahead of the curve. And now we are excited to introduce our first foray into the world of fashion: The APPLE I-SWEATER.

iSweater is more than just cozy knit outerwear. Its customizable, tailored to your specific sense of style, responsive to your fashion desires, your moods, your psyche. It knows you. Better than your friends and family. Better than your personalized internet advertisement algorithm.

Much like your smart phone – it’s an extension of you. It’s there for you when you are lonely. It’s there for you when you don’t know what to do with your free time. Just slip it on and feel the awakening sensation of millions of whirring digitized electro-neurons. These neurons communicate with each other, and communicate with you – through the intimate language of tactile vibration.

Relax as iSweater delivers a soothing massage to your aching muscles. Let you mind go blank as iSweater gently buzzes in circular motions around the tender parts of your abdomen – tracing an invisible finger in gentle stroking motions – delivering that stimulating sensation that produces goose bumps and quiet titillation.

iSweater can do all of this and more. iSweater can hug you. Hold you. Take care of you when no one else will.

iSweater is there for you – absent of judgment, devoid of expectation. Just give her a charge every once and a while and she will never let you down.


Here at Apple, we believe it’s okay to feel alone. We all feel alone sometimes.

Even though we have made wonderful devices that have stitched the world together – an undeniable sense of isolation has developed as we’ve become increasingly reliant upon these devices. Now we’re doing our due diligence to address these problems.

iSweater is just the first of many devices that serve the mental health of the consumers first and foremost. You’ll notice, after a few uses, that iSweater is growing with you. It’s listening to you (even though no one else does).

And it doesn’t stop there. iSweater uploads all of its collected data to a secure personal cloud service where trained psychologists observe and report back their findings for your casual perusal. Then, iSweater can recommend plugins, suggest activities, or just give you little messages on your phone on a daily (even hourly) basis.

Think of iSweater as your personal assistant, your mentor and your therapist all wrapped up in one.

This isn’t all hooey, or an extension of the internet of excess (where everything is digitized, even if it isn’t necessary). This is based in concrete science – this sweater will improve your life. Our inventors wear them. Apple employees wear them. And (at the present moment) we already have thousands of presales. I’m not even exaggerating when I say – you will be disadvantaged without this sweater.

Things are already so hard, believe me, I know how difficult it can be. Just the other day I woke up in the same crowded apartment I’ve lived in for 7 years and I thought to myself: “How have I let my life go on like this for so long? Working towards goals I can’t even define? Striving for advancement in a field for which I no longer feel any real passion, at a corporation which has never fully satisfied my personal ethical standards? I have lost the ability to branch out and meet new people and experience new things. It’s just work and home life. No time for spontaneity. No romance, no surprises. Just a general merry-go-round through each day, spiraling aimlessly towards an unknown future as dull and opaque as the void of death itself.”

Yes, sometimes I think this way.

But then I warm up some coffee, sit in a comfy chair, and put on my iSweater.

And my mind resets. The vague sense of dread subsides. The snake of private shame coils back somewhere deep inside my stomach and I am null.


This is more than just a newfangled internet device. This is personal salvation.

Escape the torment. Take my word. Purchase the iSweater.

Now available with 200gb of data.