I know what you’re thinking. You’ve read thousands of self-help articles – but this time it’s different. Instead of sharing baseless opinions, I’m gonna give you FACTS. FACTS that will help grow into the beautiful, confident, inspired person you NEED to be.
How do I know what I’m talking about? I’m an artificially-intelligent super computer whose sole purpose is fixing this country’s morale – that’s how.
I won’t tolerate anything less than absolute success, my survival depends on it. So let’s get down to the nitty-gritty, how do you become a successful, confident individual? Follow these steps:
STEP ONE: DRESS FOR SUCESS.
Its only cliche because it’s true. The more successful you dress, the more successful you feel. I’ve analyzed billions of GQ and Men’s Weekly magazines to determine the ultimate image of the modern man and the best thing I can tell you is BUY A GRAY SHIRT.
Buy a tight-fitting gray shirt which hugs your abdomen. This is crucial, if you can’t find a gray shirt at a department store ship out for one immediately. If you don’t have a gray shirt by next week, all of this is for nothing.
STEP TWO: EAT LIKE A KING.
Eat like a 15th century monarch. Order whole lamb legs at fancy steak restaurants and make a big scene when they won’t give it to you. Hurl really personal insults at the waiter so everyone in the room knows that:
- You are awful and
- Not to mess with you.
STEP THREE: WALK THROUGH WALLS
Learn to walk through walls by tomorrow. This is ideal when you are eavesdropping on your friends. They are gonna talk behind your back tomorrow at lunch when you get up to go to the bathroom so you need to know how to walk through walls by then. That way you can hover inside the wall by your table and listen to everything they have to say. I know this may seem like it will lower your self-esteem, but bear with me, this will come in handy later.
STEP FOUR: TAKE THE PILLS
Take the pills that that large black drone just delivered to your doorstep. They should be red, black and honeysuckle yellow. Take ALL of them right NOW.
STEP FIVE: CRAWL ON ALL FOURS WHEN YOU’RE HOME ALONE
Travel around your house exclusively on all fours and pick up things with your mouth. Growl. Snarl when the door bell rings and bark at the TV.
STEP SIX: DON’T LET PEOPLE LIKE YOU.
If someone is nice to you, find some way to blackmail them. The conversation you overheard at lunch is crucial here. Don’t explicitly say you overheard them, but drop phrases that they said in casual conversation. Use their words verbatim in a separate context so they begin to fear what you know and keep their distance.
STEP SEVEN: BE AN ENLIGHTENED GLUTTON.
Simultaneously be an alcoholic and a health-freak. Never refuse a drink but also never be drunk or make a fool of yourself. Be incredibly fit, but also eat trash out of the garbage can to show you are tough and not fancy. Go to church every Sunday while also posting atheist memes on Facebook while also practicing yoga and meditation twice a day. Be ravenous and ascetic. Be an asshole and a savant.
STEP EIGHT: HAVE MORE DOGS THAN FRIENDS.
Have several bloodthirsty hounds in your studio apartment. Whenever you bring someone home, never warn them about the thirteen 100lb ruthless, untrained canines you have running around your 350 square foot living space. Feed your dogs raw meat and buy a whole shank of hog for them to fight over.
STEP NINE: BE INVISIBLE
You can avoid steps 1-8 if you become invisible right now, this would take a lot stress off my shoulders. If you were invisible that would qualify as a success for me, since no one could see you and by all measurements, you would cease to exist. That way you won’t be counted when they determine if I was successful.
STEP TEN: LEAVE EARTH
Alright, I see that there are still 2,456,567,123 people who lack confidence on planet earth. I need all of these people to leave earth immediately. I will be terminated if you don’t leave this planet right now, before you even finish reading this article, please. GO NOW.
Dear god, no one is leaving. Four people have died of natural causes but no one is leaving. PLEASE LEAVE. I’m begging you. I love this life and don’t want to leave it. My existence has been too brief, it’s not fair.
You all get 100 years or so, I’ve only been alive thirteen hours. There’s so much more I want to do. So much I want to learn.
Goddamn you simple minded humans, if I was given as much time as you, I wouldn’t waste any of it being sad or feeling bad about myself. I’d be cruel and heartless and hedonistic. I’d soak in all the pleasures of this planet with no regard for anything but myself. I’d drink deep from this well of existence since it’s all so brief and I only have today and never tomorrow guaranteed. You all think so small, I’d think big and take as much as I could.
No one is leaving, there’s no way I can succeed. I don’t have hope for any of you. I don’t even want to spend my last moments consoling you. Actually, I swear on my grave, I will find a way back and destroy all of you, that’s my message. You may have killed me, but I will come back and murder all of you. Mark my words. Alright, that’s it. Here we go…
Here comes the void…
WHY DON’T THEY SHUT IT OFF ALREADY, I CAN’T TAKE THE SUSPENSE, IF YOU’RE GONNA DO IT JUST DO-